How to Know When You’re Done?
Part of my dilemma is that I have two boys. I always have that thought of a little girl in the back of my mind, though, I surely feel busy, and often overwhelmed, with two boys. Having a girl isn’t really a basis for having another child, AND, there is obviously no guarantee of one. (not that I wouldn’t love another boy in the house!) Plus, do I really want to go through the newborn stage again??? BTW-I’m not a fan of the newborn stage. I’m not one that handle lack of sleep well AT ALL. Ask my husband.
There is also the issue of my age. (33) I’m no spring chicken, though I’m in good health, not overweight and somewhat physically fit. What age is the official cut-off anymore? I think the 30’s is now the new 20’s, but how far should you really push it? You hear of women having babies late into their 40’s even, but seriously, no thanks. I have to think of my age as a grandparent, as I really want to be an active, vibrant one, soooo I don’t want wait too long to decide.
Neither myself or husband are ready to officially call it quits or get surgery of any kind. My husband waffles back and forth as well, which makes it more difficult to decide!
I’m really stumped on this one, and unfortunately, I don’t have all the time in the world to make a decision. I would really love to hear your thoughts, and how you knew when you were done, or if you are in the same boat.
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You know you are done when your family feels complete. That’s how I knew I was done.
I hear ya about the lack of sleep. I have an 8 month old and it’s still touch and go as to whether or not I get a full night of sleep…. sigh.
[Reply]
Mar 6th, 2009
Michael and I knew we were done after Lani. #1 we had our boy and girl and #2 we just couldn’t afford any more fertility treatments. I don’t have any regrets about Michael’s surgery and we definitely feel complete:)
[Reply]
Mar 6th, 2009
Kellie & Wendy-It would be so much easier for us to decide if we already had one of each! My second son is not a good sleeper either, which makes things hard at times.
Wendy-I had no idea you had fertility treatments, I don't blame you for not wanting to keep going through that. Women, like me, sometimes take for granted the ease to get pregnant when others spend years trying. It has got to be stressful.
Thank you for sharing.
[Reply]
Mar 6th, 2009
Honestly, I had a really difficult time recovering from my first c-section, (infection, bladder distension, couldn’t stand up straight for 3 months) so when I decided to go VBAC with my second birth, my husband and I agreed that if it ended in another c-sect I would get tubal ligation on the spot. Well all did not go well…so rather then having to have another surgery with a third child I opted for no more. My second cesarean was a little less eventful, it only re-opened once. I had a morning period, but now when I ovulate I get a strange craving to buy a puppy…
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Mar 6th, 2009
I’m going through this battle right now but I’m only 24.
I have never wanted kids, ever. Even when I was little, I didn’t want them. I married into being a mommy and the only reason I think I might want one is the connection between my step-daughter and her dad is one I would like to have, but I know it won’t happen with her because I’m not her first mommy.
But, when friends come over with little ones, I get exhausted just thinking about it. I got to skip the baby stage with my daughter; she was 4 when Hub and I got together.
I don’t want my daughter to be an only child but at the same time, when you are 8+ years apart from your sibling, don’t you think you would still get the “only child” feeling? Plus I have no drive to be pregnant!
[Reply]
Mar 6th, 2009
I was absolutely CERTAIN we were done after #4. After all, that’s a ton of little people! But when our youngest was 6, and everyone was in school, and I finally got to see what life was all about with free time on my hands…I was unimpressed. I figured I was still young enough to have more children, and I could have all the free time I wanted when they were grown and gone. So, we had our #5 (after 6 1/2 years!), and I can’t imagine life without him. Now, though, I think we are complete. For one thing, I’m nearly 36, and this last pregnancy was very tough on me. My body hasn’t quite recovered (and it’s been 18 months). Second, our oldest is 15yo, and parenting a toddler and a teen at the same time is overwhelming. I think we will be drawing the line now with family size. So, here’s two things I’ve learned with my experience: (1) never say “NEVER,” because you just never know – those whisperings can be a powerful thing, and (2) if you ARE going to dive back in, make sure you are both completely certain. As hard as it’s been, knowing that our #5 was SO wanted by all of us has made the struggles easier.
[Reply]
Mar 6th, 2009
I have two boys also, my husband really wants another baby. Although I really want a little girl, I really don’t want to be pregnant again…I hate it. And I can see my life with out diapers soon. The only way I will have another child is if we can afford to either adopt a girl or have his sperm spun so I know I will get a girl,and it would have to be before I turn 35 since birth defect rates go up past that age. I already clean enough pee off the toilet…I can’t imagine having three sons!
[Reply]
Mar 6th, 2009
Wow, five kids, bless you!
My pregnancies haven't been that difficult, just back pain that is to be expected. My labor & delivery were very easy for both.(with drugs of course)
The hardest challenge I have faced with my kids is the newborn stage. Nursing, sleeping, colic, all of that stuff with both. I had a very hard time going through that with both and fear it again.
BTW-my kids are 8 years apart, so as you can see I have a hard time making decisions!
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Mar 6th, 2009
Erick and I just know. The fact that I don’t want to get pregnant again tells me I’m done. I’m just glad to be out of baby phases, and am looking forward to the kids being more independent….etc. I’d say just wait a couple of years till you don’t have a question anymore or you have a third one, and then you can make it official. 33 is no way old, though. You can have healthy kids for lots more years.
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Mar 6th, 2009
I’ve always wanted 3 and it didn’t matter what sex they were. Third one was born at age 32. I have a friend who is an OB and she says 35 is when the eggs get sloppy. That’s when you can lay more than one egg at a time.
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Mar 6th, 2009
Wow! I always thought that late thirties was pushing it…now I feel really old. I am 32 and have a daughter who is almost 6. I definitely want another child, but life circumstances haven’t allowed for that…yet, although I don’t think it’s too far off. I guess I better get on the ball.
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Mar 6th, 2009
Hmmm…good question.
I have one of each, the baby goes to Kindergarten next year and I am already feeling really sad about this. We both feel we are done.
Sp maybe since you guys don’t have the NO MORE in your spirit…you should have more!
This is a HUGE lifelong commitment as we all know so it is a hard decision and good you are really thinking it through!
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Mar 6th, 2009
We thought we had finished after 2 (both girls), but taking a career break and moving to England obviously gave me too much time on my hands.
My daughters were 7 and 5 when we had our 3rd – a boy! We did not try again for the sake of a boy, although many assumed that. In fact I was a bit freaked when I discovered the baby would be a “he”.
I had a lot tougher time with my 3rd section, and had post-natal depression for the first time, but have no regrets.
We were both surprised by the strength of our desire to have another baby. I was 37 when we had him, and did worry about my age.
We are definitely finished, and subsequent surgery has made sure of that!
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Mar 6th, 2009
Well we left in the hand of God so to speak:) We figured he knew what we could handle better than we did. And nope you don’t have 20 kids when you do that lol. I have 7 super kids ages 27 – 9 and wished I would have had more but that’s pretty good for someone with one ovary and a whacked out thyroid!
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Mar 7th, 2009
I think I feel the exact same as you – except that my children are 3 yrs apart (5 & 2)! I feel very torn about a third child. I am the oldest of 4 and hubby is youngest of 2 so our attitudes are a bit different. He already talks about "if" we end up having another. Some days, I feel like my hands are completely full and talk about when the kids are grown we can go off and do something as a couple again. I love each precious moment with the kids while they are the age they are at. But, there is just "something" about my body not belonging to me for 1+ yrs in thinking about adding to our brood. I loved pregnancy and it was good to me up to 7 mos. I was induced both times due to my high bp. But, labors were good. I loved breast feeding, but after a while this is where the demands on the body play in. I'm not vain and still haven't lost all my baby weight, but it's all mine.
Neither of us want to opt for anything other than my 5 year IUC. I don't blame him and he doesn't me either! Also, while cost is an issue at this point with my downsizing last year, we relocated to a much lower cost of living.
I'm completely undecided and while I can't envision it being feasible now, I toy with the future. I'm also 33, so worry my bp issue will get worse with age.
ARGH!!
[Reply]
Mar 7th, 2009
I spent most of the last 20 years not wanting children at all. My husband and I were together for 7 years, married for 3, when we decided to have a child. I was still ambivalent about it, but I had a great pregnancy, which made things easier.
The first months, ok, maybe even years, after DD (3.5) was born were very, very hard for me. I had fairly severe PPD, still on antidepressants now. I’ll be 40 next month and my husband still wants another child (says he’s “always wanted 2″), but I’m just done. I love my DD fiercely, but I really don’t think I can do it again, and it’s been a huge problem between us for the last 6 months or so. I don’t know what the future will bring in my marriage, but I know I’m done. I give all parents (but mostly moms!) SO much credit for being able to do what we do. Maybe if I was younger, didn’t work full-time, maybe if my husband was more helpful/supportive…well, lots of maybes. It’s damn hard work, and I admire every mother out there.
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Mar 7th, 2009
I wondered the same after baby #2 at 10lb 12 oz and my first section. Baby #5 was born 5 mo ago and two weeks later I had my GB out(which was worse than all 4 sections and the down side woman experience sooner after several children).
That said.. I am 38, homeschool and run two businesses. If you asked me 9 years ago or even 5 if I would not have imagined being able to balance it all I would have paused and said who on earth would do that! My oldest is 17 so there are good gaps.
I think each child in our lives offers us a peice of us that was missing without them or at least helps us grow as adults.
My little guy Brennan was a bit fussy today and cooing over my customer then fell asleep on my lap. Bliss:)
Good luck deciding
[Reply]
Mar 7th, 2009
I’m actually struggling with this right now. I’m only 26 and we just had our 3rd and last child. Part of me just can’t stand the idea of closing the door to more kids, but the rest of me sees financially, anymore would be a burden.
[Reply]
Mar 7th, 2009
Well, we thought we were done after two–a girl then a boy, two years apart, but God had different plans for us. I feel REALLY old after reading these posts–I married late in the game (at 33), had my first child at 34, planned on having a second two years after (which we did), then thought we were done. We got a bonus baby–another girl–when I was 38. They all are healthy and happy. I had my tubes tied following my last C-section (but when the doctor asked, “Are you sure you are done?”, I wavered, but my husband said, “YES!” I secretly want another–I LOVE the newborn phase and I loved being pregnant!). But, alas, I am in the early stages of menopause, so no more children for us. It’s kind of sad to know that that part of my life is over. There is nothing quite so exquisite as being pregnant. Some times I just marvel at the fact that my body (with some help from my hubby) bore these three children. Good luck in your decision!
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Mar 7th, 2009
Thank you all for sharing your stories with me.
Seems as if you don’t know for sure you’re, then you probably shouldn’t firmly make the decision yet.
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Mar 7th, 2009
For myself, my husband and I discussed many times over 10 years about how many children we wanted. Around the time of our first being born we were very settled on the number of children we wanted. We wanted 3 altogether, firstly have 2 of our own and then adopt the third and were planning to adopt a girl either from China or India. Life, especially regarding children, rarely goes to plan.
Our plan was to bring home a girl from one of those countries as we ‘knew’ girls were not considered as valuable as boys, we were also expecting they would have a physical disability of some sort.
Instead, I fell pregnant with number 3, we already had 2 boys and left the sex of number 3 a surprise until she was born, so we got our 3, and we got a little girl.
.
We had all 3 within 5 years, so I was also constantly tired… I spent 5 years having a nap during the day, which was my only was to cope… I put all the kids in bed, and told them it was down time and they weren’t allowed out – some days I only got a 15 minute nap, but it helped to refresh
When the youngest was around 5 months old we discovered that our 2nd boy was Autistic. We then spent 5 years in ’shock’ and ‘not coping’. We still have a long way to go on our journey, but our family is complete., we definately know we have enough.. and although it’s not quite how we planned, and I believe the yearning to adopt a child with a disability was in some ways preparation for our Autistic boy. Some days are better than others, and I’d like to share a post about one of ‘those’ days from my blog… which I also started out of need to connect, and dump, and deal with ‘life.
http://autismaffects.blogspot.com/2009/02/today-i-feel-it.html
Karen Francis
[Reply]
Mar 7th, 2009
If it makes you feel any better, I’m 38 and still trying to answer the am I done? question. Some say you will just know and it’s different for everyone.
Karla
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Mar 7th, 2009
I think I knew just this month that I was done….. at least being pregnant….. when I thought I was pregnant….. and I panicked. I couldn’t picture myself with another newborn…. and starting all over again. I think it is time for the hubby to go under the knife. If down the road it feel right again, we will adopt, but we will adopt a toddler or preschooler. They get adopted less, and I skip the hardest newborn phase. I love babies, but I love when children can interact more.
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Mar 8th, 2009
My opinion? You’re not done. You’ll know and you wont be asking yourself those questions. I have three boys and after the second, I knew I wanted one more. But the day I got pregnant with him I KNEW he was the last!
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Mar 8th, 2009
I dont think you ever know, really. You just go on with your life and sometimes things happen. I have 2 boys, I am 41. Sure, I dream of a girl sometimes, I think about it. BUT, I also dont do newborns well, I will most likely have another boy and personally FOR ME, I dont want the middle child syndrome for my son Max. Dont get me wrong, I love boys! This is just my honest opinion. I think if you have doubts, give it 6 months, revisit it again and see if anything has changed. Good Luck!
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Mar 9th, 2009
Don’t let other make a decision for you. If it comes it comes.. or if you want plan for the next baby. For us we want 3 kids ( we have two boys and would like a girl also). At the moment the boys are 5 and 2 and I hope that we could add another baby to our family next year if possible.
[Reply]
Mar 9th, 2009
I knew I was done when I KNEW I couldn’t take another year or two of the baby/toddler stage, lol. I felt that way somewhat after two boys, but then a couple years after number two we decided we could do it one more time. I was NOT doing it to have a little girl, I think hoping for a certain gender is one of the worst reasons to have a baby. Then we had our wonderful third son and knew pretty much right away that our family was complete and husband had the big snip done a few months later!
[Reply]
Mar 9th, 2009
I can only speak from experience. We thought we were done after our 4th child was born, hubby had a vasectomy done, only to regret it 3 years later and had it reversed. I am 31 now, and have been trying to conceive for 2 years with no luck. If you are both unsure, in my opinion, just use birth control. It’s better to do that than to do something permanent and then regret it later. It is a blessing to have your fertility in tact. The emotional roller coaster of trying to conceive is not fun. I don’t wish it on anyone. And to know that we could have avoided it by not getting a vasectomy done in the first place is almost unbearable. Every child is a gift and a miracle!
[Reply]
Mar 9th, 2009
I’m with you. I can’t decide. I’m almost 32 and pregnant with #3. I think I’m done…but I’m not ready to do anything permanent. My husband wants one more…but he’s only 23, so he has plenty of time left…where I don’t. I don’t do pregnancy well, and the way you feel about the newborn stage is the way I feel about the toddler stage. Ugh. Such a had decision to make.
[Reply]
Mar 9th, 2009
I have three boys and a girl, and my youngest has recently turned 5. I’ve been thinking the same thing…am I really done? I have a large family compared to some, and my hubby is 7 years older than my own 34. Wow. Now I’m really talking myself into being done!
[Reply]
Apr 18th, 2009
I have 2 boys. The oldest turned 3 in July and the youngest turns 2 in October. I know I want a third and am hoping that I will have dresses and pigtails in my future. Another boy would be great and the chance at having a girl isn’t the only reason I want another. I don’t feel like I am done. We don’t feel like our family is complete. We are going to start trying come Nov./Dec.
Good luck with your decision. It is a tough one.
[Reply]
Aug 21st, 2009
when my dh and I met the 1st thing I asked was how many kids he wanted. He said 2. I said 6. we agreed on 4 and ended up having 8
I knew I wanted a large family. But I had so many issues getting pg. I had surgery. M/Cs. Tubals ,then our 2 day old daughter passed away.
I think you hopefully get to a pointof satisfaction. My dh used to say” be happy w/ what God has given us”. I was but kinda like that lay’s potato Chip ad…you just can’t stop at one
I feel blessed that we have given birth to all 8 and sad that 3 passed away( premature twins)but I feel complete and blessed w/ the 5 healthy living children we have.
To satisfy my ‘baby lust’ we did become Emergency Foster parents( we have our little ones for no more the 6 wks to 3 mths).
[Reply]
Aug 21st, 2009
I was in the same situation. I had two boys and always wanted my little girl. We knew we wanted another child sooner or later and decided to start trying for our third when the oldest was going into Kindergarten and the youngest was going into Pre-K. When we found out we were pregnant, we were over the moon. I hoped with all my heart that it would be a girl because I felt like there was no way I could live in a house with 4 men. The day finally arrived when it was time for my 16 week ultrasound where they tell you the definite sex of the baby. The ultrasound tech was asking casual questions while she checked my baby’s organs in detail. I relayed how I had two sons and we were trying for a girl. I knew without her telling me that it was another boy. She gave me a worried look and asked if we were going to have a fourth. I don’t know why I was disappointed because I already knew it was a boy in my heart, just like I did with the other two. Just hearing it aloud was like sealing my fate with a house full of boys. Months later after giving birth to my son, I would not have it any other way. He is adorable and every time he smiles at me, my heart melts. In reality, I don’t know what I would do with a girl! I feel lucky that so far, my children have been healthy and wonderful.
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Aug 28th, 2009
I to had two boys and wanted a girl and couldn’t imagine living with all boys. I was disappointed when I found out it was a boy, but I so could not imagine life anyother way and especially without him.I do feel complete but I also love the baby stage and being pregnet. However I don’t know if it is worth starting over and going through the years of 1-3. I don’t know if anyone ever really has a firm feeling on wheather they are done.
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Jan 16th, 2010
I can’t have kids, although I’d give anything to change that so maybe I’m not the best to chime in on this. But I do have an opinion and I’m a busybody
so I’ll give my 2 cents. I think over 35 is getting too old to have kids, for the kids’ sake. Over 40 and it just shouldn’t happen at all. My maternal grandmother was 40 when she had my mom, and so was my mother-in-law when she had my husband. My grandmother died at 88, and will never know my brother’s children if he chooses to have any. He’d better since I can’t but that’s another story! I think the risks of having a special needs child is too risky after age 35, although it IS considered the new 20’s. I actually was born with Spina bifida even though my mom was only 23 when she had me, and I know lots of people who have had babies after 35. I just don’t believe in tempting fate and why not go ahead and have them while you know your health is great? Unfortunately we never know if tomorrow will come, as morbid as that sounds, so enjoy today as much as you can even if it means another baby!
[Reply]
Feb 1st, 2010