Back when things were safe.
My mother filed for divorce when I was eight and my brother was five. At the time, she told us the reason was “she didn’t love him anymore.” It was hard to understand then, and it is hard to understand now. While her life became more liberating with her new found “freedom”, ours became more unstable and lonely.
I remember a party at our house one night. It was the first time I had witnessed the “quarters” drinking game. I was eight, and I’ll never forget what went through my head-”I guess this is my life now.” My life of comfort and confidence quickly disappeared, and took years to get back.
You know how experts say that kids are resilient? It’s not true. Even if children act like they are “dealing with it”, it comes back to haunt them in adulthood in the form of anxiety, insecurity, or something worse. I think that term is used to make us feel better about our bad choices.
Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not talking about physical or verbal abuse. I’m talking about choosing lack of interest, or perhaps a new found love of something or someone, over the family unit. It seems as if the sanctity of marriage is a dying. How many couples do you know that have been married over 10 years and are still going strong?
It’s one thing to divorce when you don’t have children, and quite another when you do.
I know we all make mistakes, and we’re obviously not all perfect, but society often sends a deceiving message that “we all deserve to be happy”. I do believe this statement to an extent, but what is “happy” exactly when referring to marriage? Happy doesn’t always mean sunshine, lollipops, and heart flutters. I think happy is more along the line of commitment, strength, and trust. The message, or question, we should be asking is, “Are our desires and pleasures more important than that of our child’s welfare and future?” AND before you argue this statement, let me say that I do understand that divorce can sometimes result in improving a child’s life, however, I believe most times it does quite the opposite.
I watched the movie, Up in the Air, a few weeks ago and was so sickened with the message regarding marriage. Not only did it drag marriage through the mud with its “comedic” dialogue, but made the main love story of a woman who was cheating on her husband “to escape real life.” It was, in my opinion, disgusting and wrong. When you have the power to send a message to millions of people, why do it that way? A married woman, with children, having an affair to escape from real life? Really?
Marriage with kids is hard. It takes constant nourishment, effort, and sacrifice. There are highs and lows, but the reward is so amazing! A strong marriage results in strong, healthy children. Fight for it-for them.
About Mom Spark
Bear in mind that how we are treated in our marriage is how our children will expect to be treated when they grow up. We are their strongest example. Therefore staying in a marriage that does not contain respect, consideration or caring because you believe that having two parents for your children is more important than your “happiness” can also do serious harm. Our children need to see us be loved. That’s extremely important to their development, not just our own.
Nevertheless, I do feel strongly that our society is all about the next moment. Living in this fast paced environment, with a multitude of choices ready to appease every whim, doesn’t instill in us a sense of loyalty. Instead it breeds a dangerous sense of entitlement. We are entitled to feel good. And if we don’t feel good right here, right now, then we are entitled to look elsewhere, without considering the ramifications of our actions. You speak of movies. I saw the movie Why did I get married recently and they brought up an interesting theory. In marriage you may only have 80% of what you perceive to be your needs satisfied. You can go looking for that missing, hot and flashy 20%. You will probably find it.However, if you leave your sometimes plain and boring, but reliable 80%, remember all you will be left with is 20% which will definitely loose it’s luster when it is left to stand on it’s own. Why seek 20 when you already have 80.
SMILE On!
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Hi all,
I think that this post has a wonderful point to it and it made me think and reflect. I am a divorced mom of two amazing teenage boys and I am also a Divorce and Life Reinvention Expert and founder of the D Spot where I support women to regroup, renew and reinvent themselves before,during and after divorce.
I was raised in an extremely happy home with parents who have an exceptional marriage…to this day.
After 15 years with my ex husband, mostly because i did not believe in divorce as an answer, I have come to realize that I compromised my joy and happiness as a woman and mother for so many years.
You are right, divorce hurts children….no matter how well we do it. It is not what they want.
And, with the support of someone like myself, there are ways to manage divorce around the best interest of the children, while at the same time protecting the right of all people to live a life of joy and fulfillment.
What ultimately enables our children to thrive is when we, as parents, are whole, fulfilled and able to share our life journey with them being fully present.
Whether in a marriage, a relationship or alone, becoming a whole person is the best gift we can give our children.
I am in a relationship now that is something I never imagined I could have. My children, although it took them, and all of us, a long time to adjust, are thriving with the knowledge that I am not only happy, but that I provide a wonderful model for them to learn about what an amazing and solid relationship looks like.
Their father is a good father to them and is remarried himself, but had I stayed in my marriage, they would have never seen what a truly exceptional relationship looks and feels like.
My hope is that all women, whether struggling in their marriages, separated or going through a divorce, find the support they need so that they can not only lead a life that makes them happy, but can be fully present for their children.
This is my passion and life purpose. We as women deserve to live the life we imagine and deserve…and that is not selfish, it is the best thing we can do for our children.
Thanks for writing something that provides us all with a way to talk about these difficult life transitions!
Yours,
Laura
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i, too, came from what was then called a “broken home”. not sure why they called it that back then. i know some marriages that are intact that are “broken”. but anyway.
the idea that a married woman with kids would cheat is ridiculous! obviously a man was behind the movie. i know women cheat, but for different reasons.
great post, thanks!
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We have been married for almost 13 years and I am so proud of every day that we choose love over anything else. Marriage is hard work and it is a choice to put someone else first forever…love this post and wish more people understood the devastating consequences of divorce.
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Mom Spark Reply:
April 27th, 2010 at 10:31 am
@Melissa Multitasking Mama, My husband and I will be celebrating 12 years in September, and we are both on the same page regarding the commitment and work marriage requires. I wish more people understood, too.
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Stephana Reply:
April 28th, 2010 at 4:29 pm
@Mom Spark, “…we are both on the same page…” is the key phrase. My ex-husband and I had completely different ideas about what it means to be married and we struggled from the start.
.
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I think Miss Lori totally misinterpreted what Amy meant by “happiness”. If you have a perfectly civil marriage and yet you don’t have romance, the perfect spouse, the ideal living situation, ect. and you feel like you need to find something better. That’s how I took her words. I find that when I look at newlyweds who have dated for years and been engaged and are doing everything “by the book” yet they still don’t truly KNOW each other I end up wanting to scream, “GET A GRIP!” Marriage isn’t roses and romance and heart stopping sex. Sometimes its fights, sometimes its tears, sometimes its work, but its ALWAYS WORTH IT. The times its not worth it is when abuse of any kind is present. It takes two to make a marriage work.
I love this post, I’m in agreement on all counts. I wish more people went into marriage with REALISTIC expectations, especially women. Biggest pet peeve: You can’t change him, don’t think that ring means he’s changed. Go into a marriage with someone who is everything you want right NOW.
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My parents are still married and going in 30 years. It’s hard to believe that they are genuinely happy to be together after all these years. They are still in love and I know that. Growing up, I thought all relationships were that easy and loving.
My friends and I talk about this a lot because their parents have been married for years and are going to get married soon themselves. I’m going on my fourth year with my boyfriend and it’s work, especially when you throw in major decisions and all the random things life throws at us. (I can’t imagine adding kids to the mix.)
I always ask my mom how she makes it work and didn’t she ever feel like giving up and her answer is always, “Why do you always ask me that?” and “we love each other and always wanted to make it work.”
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What if you feel like married isn’t where you want to be anymore? My wife and I are coming up on our 9th anniversary. We have a 6 year old. Like many young couples, we started out in an extended honeymoon of hanging out together a lot and going out with friends and taking many trips together. Then as many young families do: we struggled as new parents – balancing working full-time (both of us) and being inexperienced to everything. My wife’s anxiety issues and my immaurity on recgonzing needs/wants boiled to a point of her looking to a past fling for emotional support for a length of time that turned into a one-night physical situation while she was away on a biz trip that happened to be in his city.
That was a year and a half ago and even after the many tears and apologies and our vow to never let each other get that low again in our relationship – and my wife finally addressing her anxiety issues and getting help – we’ve been on a path of renewing our marriage and respecting our time together. Only trouble is? That spark just hasn’t come back for me. Its this feeling like we now have a more business-like relationship. The care-free days have been replaced with her desire to work and be a writer into the late evenings. Sure we make time to go out and have dates of which we genuinely have a good time – but to be honest, I feel like our marriage and the lust for it, really went out the door after that. I know that there is still very much love for each other as a person, and if something told us we should no longer be together we would still have a very good relationship. We absolutely love our daughter and provide for her in ways neither of us had growing up. We spend a lot of time together as a family. But at one time what used to give me that tickle up my spine knowing I was coming home to my wife and daughter, is gone. Now I’m beginning to wonder if I’m only in this BECAUSE of my kid? Is it fair to feel stuck? We’ve both sought help for our own personal issues – of which have taught me that I need to stick up for what I want and I need to make myself happy, not wait for someone to give it to me. All that did was leave me questioning who I am to this person I married.
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As I type the words “Great post!” I look down at the ring on my right hand – my grandmother’s 50th wedding anniversary ring – my most treasured possession. Not because of the sparkling, beautiful diamond. I have a matching one over on the other hand. I treasure it because for more than fifty years my grandfather and grandmother worked so hard to raise four boys with a foundation of love. That foundation passed down to my generation, now raising our own babies.
My husband and I have been married for six years. My parents for 39. I hope someday to pass my own 50th wedding anniversary ring to my own grandchild. What a movie *that* would make.
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Mom Spark Reply:
April 28th, 2010 at 5:26 pm
@Melissa Wardy, Great comment. Thank you.
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My husband left us for another woman. As much as I want to save my marriage, it’s not worth it because my children are suffering..
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I’m not married to Peter yet. We’ve been together for 4 plus years now and Alexa is just 1. We’ve been out of the honeymoon stage for so long it feels like a wedding is just a formality. I’m wondering if we should even bother really.
Though, I do really like your statement “Happy doesn’t always mean sunshine, lollipops, and heart flutters. I think happy is more along the line of commitment, strength, and trust.” It can be applied to just about anything. I have commitment issues pretty much across the board, but sometimes just accepting what you have and making it work is much more rewarding than starting over some place else.
Thank you.
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Amber Reply:
May 1st, 2010 at 11:48 pm
@Amber, I totally meant that we could stay together…just not get married. Sorry if that came across as me wanting to leave.
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Jezerikia Reply:
November 4th, 2010 at 6:29 pm
@Amber, Don’t do it. Marriage is a pay cheque for celebrants, and if things turn sour an even larger pay cheque for lawyers.
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I totally agree! I feel like many people give up on marriage too easily. I have been married nine years and it has been anything but lollipops and sunshine. Many times both of us have wanted to throw in the towel, but we stuck it out and got over it. I know we are not going to be one of those old obviously in love couples that just beam at each other, we will be the old couple who bitches about each other behind the other ones back and nag each other, but that is fine with us. We are sticking it out for the kids come hell or high water! As long as the lines of yelling (not in front of the kidlets of course) are open, we are good to go!
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Standing ovation over here. Especially your line about resiliency. Yes, it shows up in adulthood. As a therapist, I deal with this stuff all day. And divorce is incredilbly difficult for children. I think our society really downplays it.
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Mom Spark Reply:
July 1st, 2010 at 4:08 pm
@Kristen, Thank you. Yes, I agree, society really downplays the long term effects of divorce.
Mom Spark´s last [type] ..The Blogging Community Helps Melissa Garcia -amp Family
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Jezerikia Reply:
November 4th, 2010 at 6:33 pm
@Kristen, Kristen, I agree. Children need stability. Personally I regret the day I got married, and regret even more the day my wife decided she wanted children. Either I went along with her plan or we went our separate ways. I wish that we had separated. Now I am in an obligatory prison waiting for the grim reaper.
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Wow I. Think ur childhood experience clouded ur take on the movie (no pun intended). There was no comedic dialog when GeorgeKs character learned she was married with kids. They dealt w/2 marriages in that movie AND George7s chara9ter realized an empty backpack was a load of crap. – also think it was great that they showed it’s. Not just men that risk their families. That’s. Probably why it hit u so hard. I think u need counseling 2 get over matters. Having said that, I have been cheated on by 2 important men in my life. The 2nd being my now ex husband. He did this despite knowing about the 1st cheater (who gave me herpes) and despite my telling him b4 we got serious “don’t cheat on me because I don’t know what ‘ll do 2u” and “if ur going 2 cheat have the decency 2 leave me 1st” but u c cheaters only care about themselves and r so sure they won’t get caught which allows themselves to not. Think about the consequences. Just like the movie showed. She never thought he’d intrude into her other world!
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I saw Amy’s post on Twitter and it caught my eye. Marriage is the easiest and hardest relationship to live, if done right. Reality is there are two different people, from the opposite sex, that have been raised in different families and perhaps cultures, and when kids are in the mix it becomes more incredilbe and stressful.
I love my wife and have for nine years now. We have three beautiful and wild children. Seven years into our marriage, my wife committed adultery with a co-worker. The next year and half were the most difficult times in my life. How could she do this? What about the kids? What a stupid choice! So many emotions, so much hurt. At this time, our marriage is climbing from the gutters, thankfully at a wonderful speed. I still struggle with trust on ocassions.
What kept me in the marriage? Not six months earlier, our neighbor found out his wife was cheating and that night cop cars were called the their house to break up a dispute. Almost immediatley they split and the children were without a full time mother. I was raised in a regular family, my friends and their parents are all still married. Perhaps it is a culture thing. But culture can only help so much, and will help a lot. When the infidelity occurred, it became a choice. The closest person to me, betrayed me. Ultimately, love is a choice. Love is wishing the best for the other person. I stayed in my marriage because I love my wife and my children.
I also look back and am thankful for the way I was raised, that marriage is til death do us part. At sometimes, in the deep depression and alcohol binges after the adultery, the thing that kept me from doing really stupid things like going out for a one nighter, etc. (those kind of stupid things) were those vows, faithfulness til death do us part.
Sorry for the long post. It was the first time I have talked about this in months.
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Mom Spark Reply:
July 1st, 2010 at 11:36 pm
@Jared, Wow, I am so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t imagine. I would have a hard time moving forward with the marriage and I really respect you for doing so.
Mom Spark´s last [type] ..The Blogging Community Helps Melissa Garcia -amp Family
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I have been married for 14 years and I have 2 beautiful children. My relationship with my husband has been rocky from the start. He is very possessive, controlling, and verbally abusive; and as a result I have become a person that I do not want to be…In order to avoid arguements, I conceal information and lie to him. I do not want to do this, but I hate the arguements, so I do it to avoid a fight. I find that I am lying more often than I am telling the truth these days. When the truth comes out, it ends in an arguement anyway. We argue all the time, about everything, but mostly about financial matters. My husband and I are both working 2 jobs each and are still barely making ends meet. I recently re-connected with an old flame through facebook and we are now talking on the telephone on a daily basis. I am beginning to develop feelings for him once again. I’m not sure if it is just because of the positive attention that he gives me, or because of the misery that I feel in my marriage, or a combination of the two. I am seriously thinking of leaving my husband, but I am also afraid to. I know that leaving is going to result in a very nasty divorce. And to complicate things further, my relationship with my 14 year old daughter is seriously strained by the arguements between her father and myself….she has been told too much about our arguements and is beginning to exhibit controlling behaviors herself. She has expressed that she thinks of me as a liar and that she is mad that I am talking to another man on the phone. She has told me that she will choose to live with her father if we split up. I don’t want to be unhappy anymore, I don’t want to be controlled and told what to do, how to do it, who I am allowed to speak to, where I am allowed to go, and when I am allowed to go grocery shopping. I just don’t know what to do. Do I leave, so that I can be happy? or do I stay so that both of my children are with me? I know that things will not look good for me during the divorce procedings because of the situation. Can someone please give me some advice??
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Mom Spark Reply:
January 15th, 2011 at 12:33 pm
@marie, Have you considered counseling? If it were me, I would try to repair the marriage first and I would stay off of Facebook.
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Mom Spark Reply:
January 15th, 2011 at 12:35 pm
Sorry, hit send too soon. I would stay off of Facebook until you attempt to repair your marriage first. This will only complicate things and the fact that your daughter is noticing you’re speaking to another man is not good. She is probably already stressed that her parents are fighting, so this is just an extra stress. One step at a time. *hugs* and I will keep you in my prayers.
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I wrote a post once questioning the same things. I get so sick of people leaving a marriage b/c they want to be “happy” at the expense of their children. Kudos on such a great article. I hope it makes people think!
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My husband walked out on me and my kids a little over a month ago. Two days later, he moved in with his girlfriend, who was a friend of mine. I had no idea they were dating, and I have no intentions of giving my marriage another chance if he decides to come home. My kids are devastated, as was I, but I have them in counseling with me, and we are doing the best we can. I didn’t choose this for my kids, but I am doing everything I can to make it better for them. Sometimes, as in my case, divorce is the only answer.
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I was miserable in my marriage. And as a result, I was not a good mother. I went through the motions of caring for them, but that’s all it was. I had compartementalized my misery and self-loathing so much, I couldn’t open up, even for for the kids. My ex was equally as miserable and an 100% absent father, although he was living in the same house.
The hardest, and best, thing I did for myself, for my kids and for him was to leave him. It was incredibly difficult and my children still have some scars, but they also have a mother who is happier and therefore more emotionally available and loving. Our relationship has never been more open, more honest or better.
They have a father who was completely absent before fully present and engaged when he’s with them. He’s started coming to school plays and conferences and sporting events and the happiness they have from seeing him there, versus the disappointment they had before is life-changing.
They have a stepfather who adores them and supports them and gives them added stabillity, along with step siblings they love and play with as if they’ve known each other their whole lives.
So, yeah, it was difficult and, yeah, I chose to pursue happiness and fulfillment. But it was not without serious, long, painful sessions of self-doubt, sucking up the situation, etc,,and serious scenario building and “what iffing” about what leaving would do to my children.
In the end, I know I chose right.
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I could not agree more!
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