One More Year of 30 and Why I’m Terrified.
I’ve never invested too much time or thought into my age. When I turned 30, it didn’t phase me at all. Like, at all. I didn’t mourn or stay out all night drinking my sorrows away. It really wasn’t a big deal. Same with 35. I embraced 37, and so on. If anything, each age change meant a fresh, new chapter that was bound to bring in amazing adventures and experiences. And it always did.
Now that I am approaching 39 (on July 23rd), the last year of my 30’s, I dunno, it feels unusual. Not in a sad way necessarily, but certainly not in a ecstatic way, either. Instead, I’m feeling a rush of “OMG, am I doing what I want with my life/I haven’t saved enough money for the future/am I a good mother/am I a good wife/I need to take better care of myself/am I good enough/holy crap, my boys will be men soon” type of emotions. Like, ALL OF THE FEELS and thoughts. Every single one of them.
My 30’s have been good to me. I had a second child. I experienced many self-discovery moments. I established a career that I adore. I regained confidence and rediscovered my passions. I traveled. I did things that I never would have done before. I feel as if losing that “30” means losing these experiences. It’s silly, I know. Not rational at all. Regardless, it is freaking me the frack out.
If I live to be 80, 40 will mark the halfway point in my life. THE HALFWAY POINT. Hell, what if I don’t even have a full lifespan at all? So many thoughts. So many fears. Doubts galore.
Right now, this very moment, I feel vulnerable. Fragile. As if my life as I know it will be over soon and I really don’t want it to be. I’m not sure why I assume that this next decade won’t be anything short of adventure, fulfillment and beauty, just like my 30’s, but I don’t and I’m scared. What if I am already at my peak? Where happens next? Also, why am I so fixated on a number?
I thought about writing a letter of encouragement, or even making a video, to myself to provide a reminder that life is always fragile and short and unknown. That numbers are truly just numbers (as they say) and attitude and one’s heart are what separate the young from the old. That NOW, right NOW, is the time to savor and appreciate each and every moment with those you love. To say, “I love you” more and to say it with real meaning. to hug TIGHTLY. To forgive those who have added a heaviness in your life. To breathe. To be spontaneous. To jump and laugh. To LIVE.
I will keep telling myself these things.
One more year. Here we go.