So Lost Without You, GPS.

GPSEver since my in-laws gave us a GPS last Christmas, my husband and I pretty much don’t need to think about anything.

I mean everything else was already automated.

Appointments, reminders, calendars, shopping lists are sent automatically by email or text. We watch whatever the DVR tells us to records. All of our bills are debited from our bank account, and our income deposited automatically.

We don’t even need to try to keep in touch with our friends, because we “see” them on Facebook and Twitter every day.

Getting from point A to point B was the last thing that still required use of our brains.

If we really didn’t know where we were going, we Google-mapped it, and prayed that those roads did exist. Because where we live it’s quite possible that *road* is actually just a muddy two-track between some guy’s hunting grounds.

But now we have Shelia. And Shelia tells us to take a slight left turn, and then a hard right and continue on for three miles.

There was a time we knew how to get from our house to the grocery store without turn-by-turn directions.

Shelia has yet to lead us astray.

But sometimes we make Shelia angry.

Like when we take the short-cut into town down a road that apparently is so off the beaten path that even the good folks at the US Geological Survey don’t know about it. When we do that Shelia insists that we, “make a legal U-turn when possible.” There is nowhere to make a legal U-turn, and I’m not sure the road is wide enough to make an illegal U-turn.

Shelia yells at us for half a mile, then goes silent with rage until we intersect with the main road again.

Of course Shelia never actually raises her voice or changes her tone. But we can feel the rage simmering just below the surface of her calm facade. How dare we defy her!

Someday Shelia will break under the pressure of all that pent up anger, and lead us deep into the woods where no one will ever find us.

Our GPS is passive-aggressive.

But what if Global Positioning Systems came with other personalities?

Like Nagging Wife Mode?

I told you to turn right back there! Why didn’t you turn right back there? You never listen to me. This is just like the time you got us lost on the way to those pyramids in Mexico on our honeymoon. My mother told me not to marry you.

Our how about Whiny Kid Mode?

Are we there yet? Make a hard right turn into McDonalds. I’m hungry! Are we there yet? Mom, he’s touching me! Exit on the left in one mile for the nearest rest stop.  I need to go potty.  Are we there yet?

What if your GPS was just insulting?

Hey, dumba@@, turn left here. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you. You gotta problem with that? Are you serious right now? I told you to turn left. What’re you doing? Moron.  Make a legal U-turn.  If you can figure out how. Idiot.

I guess I’ll stick with our passive-aggressive GPS. I don’t think I could take that kind of assault on my self-esteem every time I went to buy milk.

Well, I have someplace to be, and Shelia is sitting on the dashboard. I don’t want to keep her waiting. It might upset her, and I don’t feel like driving off a cliff today.