I know, I know, this issue is so played out, but I couldn’t help myself. I originally brought this up in our forum, but wanted to move it into a blog post as well. I know some of you are still frightened by the forum. It’s okay. The forum is your friend.
Here is what I said, with some included follow-ups:
Spanking has been on my mind since watching a Dr. Phil episode yesterday. According to the statistics given by Babycenter.com, 50% of parents spank. I don’t believe in spanking and I really try not to judge those who spank, but it is hard. I just don’t get it and never have. I do, however, believe in discipline. I use time-outs and taking away of privileges for punishment. I have to agree with fellow mom blogger, Jessica Gottlieb (who was on the show), that threatening children with belts is BEYOND awful.
Dr. Phil said statistics show that spanked children are more violent and commit more crimes as adults. Do you think there is merit in that? I think that statistics are not always accurate or non-biased, so it’s hard to give statistics on spanking any merit, IMO. I honestly base my decision not to spank on life experience, what I’ve witnessed from adults who were spanked, and how I personally want to raise my children.
I am one of the few in my generation who was not spanked at a child. It is completely foreign to me, which makes it even harder for me to understand why parents do it. I suppose I don’t understand the logic or benefits, except that it is a very quick fix. It almost seems too easy. Like a previous commenter said in the forum, “we *can* get away with hitting children, but we could never do this with other adults.” So, why is it okay?
Some of those that I am close to who were spanked as children do have anger issues, and some even have violent tendencies. I know this doesn’t represent the entire population, but it still teaches me something. I am very laid back and like to talk through situations calmy. In our household, it is very clear that mom and dad are in charge and must be listened to and respected.
Sure, I get extremely frustrated as a mom, especially going through the toddler years with my youngest, but I would never hit him. Never. I also would never hit my husband, family members or friends, unless they physically attacked me first.
It’s not that I look down on those who *do* spank, it’s that I don’t understand the logic behind it because I didn’t grow up that way.
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About Mom Spark
I am like you and absolutely DO NOT like to spank. However there have been a few instances for the safety of my child I did have to do it.
Continually trying to climb on a hot stove after trying time outs, priviledge removals, redirection, etc. as well as both my daughter and youngest son had both several times ran out in busy parking lots. Me screaming frantically didn’t stop them any of these times so thank goodness for people paying attention as I ran after the one that jetted off. So for their safety after exhausting other options I did spank.
I can’t not spank and risk something worse like injury or death happening to them in those circumstances, however those are for me the only time I think it is warranted. However if they had listened and I had not exhausted the other options I would have had no reason, but I just can’t not spank in those situations when nothing else worked and risk them continually doing something that is a danger to them.
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Mom Spark Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 11:09 am
Toni- I totally get what you are saying. I’ve never been in a situation like that, but I can imagine myself being terrified for my child’s safety and wanting to get their attention.
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I wasn’t spanked as a child either and I simply don’t get it. I have worked with toddlers and preschoolers for more of my life than I haven’t and of course never been legally allowed to hit them. Rightfully so. Some of those kids have bit me, head butted me, and left me bruised and yet I could only talk and use other non physical forms of discipline. I guess I figure if I did it to a child in my care it would be assault so why is it soooo different as a parent?
I don’t walk in other’s shoes, but that is where I come to my own conclusions in mine.
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I read a really good book lately called Nurture Shock and it had some stats on spanking. They said that while the researchers did NOT condone spanking, there was a huge cultural factor involved.
In some cultures, spanking is just what is done… and so it has less power to cause psychological damage. But in other cultures where it’s The Worst of The Worst punishment, it causes more psychological damage.
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I was spanked as a child and it worked. [shrug] I wasn’t spanked often, but just the threat of it kept me from doing many a wrongdoing. LOL I can say, pretty confidently, that “time outs” alone would not have done the trick with me as a child.
Maybe I was more headstrong than other children? Who knows? I can also say that I’m pretty laid back and it takes a lot to make me angry. I think this is a result of my parent’s teaching of what’s worth getting angry about and what isn’t. Not spanking or not spanking.
I do spank my son. Not often, and as a last resort. And while it works for him, I understand that many parents do not understand it.
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I was spanked as a child. Only, I don’t remember it at all–because we weren’t spanked as elementary school kids. It was more of the spanking on the hand when we were toddler/preschoolers.
I think when someone says “spanking” there is this automatic picture of a crazed parent wielding a belt. I can remember ONE time when my brother got a spanking with a belt—he had been lying & for months my parents had done every form of discipline you can imagine (grounding, taking tv, money, making him write scriptures about truthfulness, etc). He knew the next punishment was going to be the belt. I remember that my mom and I were in the hallway sad while my brother got in trouble. I’ve since asked him about that & he says he remembers it as a time when my parents showed love to him—b/c they didn’t want him to remain in that lying behavior AND it was delivered in love AND followed up with love & sincere conversation & hugs, etc. It was certainly not a crazed parent pulling his belt off while holding a kid down.
So, for me. I do understand spankings. And I respect my parents–am not angry, a convict or afraid of my parents–not do I try to hit adults. So. It couldn’t have jacked me up too much, right?
A good post to get people thinking, Amy!
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I was a child that was spanked nearly everyday of my growing up life by my Dad. I won’t even use the phrase spank, it was more like beat.
So, as a parent I did not want to behave like my Dad. However, with a very strong willed boy, I did on a couple of situations after trying other methods of discipline have to spank my son when he was strongly trying his bounderies with me.
Yet, I only spanked him on his behind area, and only three swats. I don’t believe in using whips or belts. I don’t think people can judge how hard they are hitting that way.
I used my flattened hand. I knew if it was stinging my hand, then it was making a similiar effect on his behind. Why do I stop at three swats, no matter the age of the child?
Because I feel if it’s more than three, I have already lost control of the situation.
I have only spanked my son twice, and his Dad has only done it twice.
My religious teaching has taught me that sparing the rod is spoiling the child, but I don’t believe it means in all situations you need to go and get a cutting off a bush or tree to make a rod and beat on your child for every single little thing. I think it means you may have to use this form of discipline on rare occasions to prevent a child from thinking he can get away with really outrageous behavior and rebuking other forms of punishment you have tried to use to discipline their very improper actions/behaviors.
After you spank, I feel you should send you child to their room for a few minutes to think about their actions. Then go in and tell them you didn’t want to have to use this form of discipline to get their attention, but they left you with no other choice. That you disciplined them now, so they could see the error or wrongness of what they were doing, and so with this understanding they can continue to grow up to be a good person knowing that there’ll be consequences or outcomes or actions in as an adult if they do things wrong. Tell them you love them and know it’s better for them to learn when they are little/young then to learn when they are an adult and maybe have to go to jail to learn the lesson the hard way.
I really think it’s in how you present what you needed to do to your children.
There really is a difference between beating and spanking. Spanking done rarely and correctly I believe is not only a proper thing to do, but a necessary thing to do if you have a very strong willed child who’s obviously out of control.
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Even when I’ve used spanking as an absolute last resort for bad behavior (and by spanking I mean a slap on the butt using nothing but my hand) it was very ineffective anyway. If other parents’ children respond as they should to a slap on the butt for out-of-line behavior, I will not judge that parent but in my house, taking a favorite toy away until they behave properly, or making them sit in the corner, or turning off their favorite TV program are the things they respond to better.
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I started a reply to this and realized it was getting to long. Instead, I blogged: http://www.thoughtsnstuff.com/?p=833
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Meg Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:36 pm
my post is about my recent experience with spanking. My husband and I have decided not to spank, but this past weekend my BIL spanked my son.
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I’ve been spanked as a child, but like a previous commenter can not remember most of them as I was under 5 when they happened. The spankings I do remember I don’t feel any irritation towards my parents for them, really I got what I deserved and I’m glad my parents loved me enough to help curb my behavior.
I spank my kids, it is not our only form of discipline, but we have used it in different circumstances. My kids are happy, well-adjusted, cheerful and obey the first time (generally) when they are asked to do something. They know I love them and I know they love me. I’m sorry that some of you have seen inappropriate forms of spanking, but I don’t think that all spankings should be lumped together. Yelling at your children can be done inappropriately and cause even more psychological harm. I remember and emotionally shrink at the times that I was yelled at in anger (usually not by my parents, my parents rarely lost their tempers). Those were far worse than any of the spankings I received!
P.S. There are other statistics out there that say spanking is good… using statistics if you are only mentioning one side is well, one-sided. I gave links to the studies in the forum discussion.
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I wrote a blog post about this a few weeks ago and it was one of my most-read posts ever. I am completely against it, too. I was spanked as a child, which is one of the reasons I am so against it. No child should feel so helpless. We wouldn’t let our five-year-olds, for example, hit a one-year-old, but we as adults would spank a much smaller human being? It just doesn’t make any sense.
Wish I had seen that Dr. Phil. Maybe I’ll catch it on a re-run!
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I don’t remember getting spanked as a child. However, I DO remember getting threatened with soap in my mouth if I kept talking back. (Who invented this and I hope my mom wasn’t the only one who threatened with it?)
I believe I got a bar in my mouth once – not that that was really a punishment.
As I got older, my parents became super creative and started taking things away like the phone from my room, the computer keyboard and my stereo instead of grounding me or my brother.
My boyfriend says he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his mom. That stuff won’t fly in my future household with my future offspring.
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I don’t spank.
While I was spanked as a child, it was a very rare thing, and only for very serious infractions. Did this scar me… no. Did it teach me anything… no. Looking back, it was basically a pointless act. Those people who become violent from spanking, were probably spanked regularly. Although I don’t condemn anyone for spanking their children (barehanded), for very rare and serious infractions, those who use spanking frequently really need to take a hard look at themselves.
Frequent use of spanking for discipline shows a lack of self control on the parents part. If you can’t control yourself enough to find another method to correct behavior, how can you expect your child to control him or herself.
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Focus on the Family has an excellent series of pro-spanking articles if you really want to understand the logic behind it:
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/effective_biblical_discipline/approaches_to_discipline.aspx
Thanks for trying not to judge people who do spank. Once I told a friend that my parents spanked me and she said, “wow, your parents were abusive?!”
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Honestly, I don’t care if someone spanks or not. However, what I do have a problem with is the assumption that someone who does spank does so out of anger or a loss of control. There are abusive parents out there but spanking does NOT make for an abusive parent.
I spank my kids. I do not loose control. I do not threaten. I am not angry when I spank. Spanking is completely indifferent in my house. It’s a punishment given for a “crime”..lol. My kids know in advance what actions will result in being spanked. I also use other forms of discipline as well. I am not a mindless parent who simply relies on spanking as my only form of discipline.
Now, please understand, I am not saying that this post is unfair to spankers. My tone is not hostile. I am just pointing out some misconceptions about spanking parents. I think this post was fair and well written.
I would also like to point out that I know children who are agressive and ill disciplined who are not spanked. Parents who loose control by yelling or spewing insults are far worse then those who spank correctly. So at the heart I think the issue is not if we choose to spank or not spank. It’s if a child feels respected, validated, loved and worthy.
I have no problems with those who choose not to spank. I don’t think negatively about them for that choice. Those who do not spank normally make that choice out of love and trying to do the best they can for their kids. However, keep in mind that spanking parents choose to spank out of love also…even if you can’t wrap your mind around it.
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Mom Spark Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 10:43 am
I’m glad you brought up yelling because I plan on doing a whole other post dedicated to that. I agree that yelling can be very abusive and emotionally scarring.
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oh amanda Reply:
February 11th, 2010 at 7:33 pm
I think that’s the whole thing Amy—just being out of control as a parent. When GOOD parents discipline, it almost doesn’t matter WHAT the disicpline is b/c they are doing it out of genuine love and care for their child. But when parents who are selfish and angry discipline you are going to see abuse—from yelling, negative words and physical spankings, etc.
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Mom Spark Reply:
February 11th, 2010 at 7:44 pm
@oh amanda, I totally agree, Amanda.