Dear Mom Spark, My Friend’s Children are Smelly and Dirty
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Dear Mom Spark,
I have a friend; we’ve been friends for over four years. She has three young children and recently started back to work. I have agreed to be her day care provider. The problem is that I didn’t know her as well as I thought.Her children are smelly and dirty. I had to finally ask her to not bring the car seat that reeks of urine again unless and until she had a chance to scrub it. The 2 year old had yeast infections in her diaper frequently.The four year old was using the word “sucks” the other day. I told him that wasn’t an appropriate word and suggested he used stinks instead. Dad came to pick them up that day and he asked Dad how work was. Dad replied “it sucked!” Ohmygosh.
Their car seats, as well as the children smell and it’s kind of nasty in my car. When I buckle them in, I have to wipe the sticky off my hands. But worse is the times the parents will come to pick the children up and drive off with the 4 year old not in a car seat! I did speak to my friend about that. She’s done it again since.Dad threatens to spank the four year old for wetting his pull up during nap time. I don’t want this to be a discussion about whether to spank or not, because I understand that is a personal decision. But to spank for wetting? That won’t solve anything.I have taught the children to wash their hands (especially after a bowel movement!!). But they tell me they don’t do it at home. I’ve even told the 4 year old I’ll give him a prize when he can report to me that he is washing his hands at home too! I’ve told him to ask mommy to help him remember. When I was at their house recently there was no soap on the bathroom sink. I used to go to their house for Thanksgiving, but after learning all of this I am going to have to find a way to bow out.I have two questions. The first is about them not using the car seat. That is in a category all by itself. I’d rather alert the police and have them be ticketed than see them loose a child and me think I did not do everything I could to intervene. Thoughts?The other is the general care/cleanliness of the children. It’s grossing me out and makes it impossible for me to feel close to the children. I need the job. I have lost a ton of respect for my friend. Thoughts on that?For the record I wouldn’t call Child Services (another acquaintance suggested that). In the grand scheme of things, this is not the worst case and friends just don’t do that unless it rose to a level that is definitive and absolute (at which point I’d have no problem doing so). I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve lost a friend by agreeing to care for her children.Thank you.Anonymous
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15 Comments on “Dear Mom Spark, My Friend’s Children are Smelly and Dirty”
Ouch – this mom is in a tough place.
Caregivers’ responsibility is to best care for the children when they are with them. I think a great place to start would be with a cleaning routine as soon as they get there… hands and face. Then checkout some books from the library on cleanliness to reinforce the lesson. Rewarding the children for keeping up this throughout the day is a good way to make it fun.
Then a gentle reminder to the parent would be sending home notes on each of the kids’ activities/behavior that day – emphasizing the hand washing and other cleanliness routines throughout the day. Try to send them home cleaner than they arrived.
Outside of that – going the extra mile would be to offer to clean the car seats. I know that is a lot of work, but personally, I would feel better knowing they are clean. If the friend feels comfortable, honestly and calmly talk to the mother when the children are not around about her concerns and efforts to keep them clean.
@Amanda Armstrong – Sitter Pals, Amanda, what a great response, thank you. This is such a difficult situation that I cannot imagine being in. There are SO many issues to address here, it is hard to know where to begin.
That is a great response and what I would say!
And I have to say that is child neglect and child services would take that seriously.
That is way past nasty. Why allow your children to live like that? There is NO excuse!
@Amanda Armstrong – Sitter Pals,
You could copy/print off hygiene awards. “I remembered to wash my hands” or “I cleaned my spot at the table” or “I remembered to clean up my mess” and so on. The KIDS will love them, especially if they’re bright and there are stickers. Starting to instill a sense of pride in being clean and hygienic will go a long way, even outside of your care. Maybe come up with a “This is what we’re doing this week” news letter (I can’t tell if you watch other kids too) and each week could be a different cleanliness standard. “This week we’re learning about respecting others, cleaning up after ourselves and all about the color red, letter Q and the number 5. Help us by showing your children your cleaning routine, are there special ways you remember to clean up messes, find 5 red things and see how many Q words you can find in the living room” or something like that. That’s so much easier if you’re running a daycare though, so I can see how it might not be the best idea if her kids are the only ones you watch. Or you could say you’ve teamed up with a homeschooling mom/another home daycare mom to share ideas and this was one of hers that you’re trying out.
I also think it’s appropriate to lay down some specific rules, blame them on code or licensing regulations or whatever you want. But one could definitely be using appropriate language around the kids if they are in your home (it’s still your home even if they’re there picking up their kids from your care). Say the kids have been picking it up and repeating it at the park and that’s not appropriate or something if you must.
As far as the pee soaked car seats…I might just say “hey I”m going to toss these (covers) in the wash today, I’m doing a load” and put them in right after the kids get there. That’s not a good position to be in, I hope you find a good way to resolve it.
@Elly, I really like this idea.
As much as you don’t want to call Child Services (and believe me, I understand all too well why not), this is a case of neglect. Especially not putting a child in a car seat. Not only is that child neglect but it is illegal almost anywhere. If you see that happen again, you have an obligation to that child to report it, even if you just anonymously call the police and give them the car’s description and plate number and whereabouts so they can pull the car over and address the issue.
With the uncleanliness, I would keep teaching and encouraging the kids to use good hygiene habits and try again to talk with the mom about your concern for their health. If you are licensed in your state as a day care provider, it is likely your state has some regulations you could point to that you have to meet. Like Elly said, blame it on code or licensing regulations if you can. If you can’t do that, then let her know as her friend that you only want what is best for the kids just like you know she does (although that doesn’t always seem to be the case here) and you want to work together as a team with her and her husband to help them stay healthy while in your care. Finding a way to address it like that may keep them from getting defensive and feeling like you are putting down their parenting skills. Try to put yourself in their shoes and how you would feel if someone were to point out something they saw lacking in your parenting skills. How would you want them to talk to you? Try to talk with these parents the way you would hope someone would talk to you.
Best wishes with this problem. It is so hard to see kids being neglected in any manner and even worse when you are friends with the parents and don’t want to risk losing the friendship. But these kids are worth it.
It sounds like you’ve taken some great steps with the kids and that they will learn valuable lessons from being in your home. I don’t want to be the “downer” in the group,but as a mom who has provided in-home daycare for “friends”, you also need to consider the cost to your own children. It is a careful balancing act to teach them to share all their things, but also not have their things destroyed or soiled each time the other children use them. And a long-term consideration is that if someone other than yourself DOES call Social Services, the fact that you haven’t reported things can sometimes make you liable. In most states, not buckling your child in, is reckless endangerment or neglect. There are also a few cases of parental neglect that have been blamed on the care provider when the parents were questioned. Neither of those situations is good for your own family. It seems harsh, but I would personally find a way to bow out gracefully from this daycare job. The stresses on your family and on your friendship, not to mention possible liability for non-reporting (depending on your state), just wouldn’t be worth it, to me.
Oh, I have so much to say! I agree with a lot of the moms here, what you are facing is neglect. As their care provider, you may be obligated by law to report it. A lot of people think that CPS is a bad thing when, in all actuality, it is not. Their goal is to strengthen the family, help the parents understand the importance of good hyegiene and proper safety measures. Do they have the power to remove a child from the home? Yes. Do they make a practice of it? No. If it is warranted, then the parents will be instructed to attend parenting classes or car seat safety or other classes and functions that will help them be better parents. Look at it as an opportunity for your friend to grow as a mother. I would also consider bowing out of the care of the children. You can’t save everyone my friend. Do your best, follow your heart and don’t be afraid to do what is best for the children, even if it hurts you. Even if your friend hates you. I know that sounds horrid, but those children are more important – especially when it comes to issues of safety.
I agree with others that having a rewards system for the children can help teach them to appreciate good hygiene.
However, I must say that I do disagree with your side note about not calling Child Protective Services. Since you are child-care provider which qualifies you as a mandated reporter I think its important that your readers realize that Child Protective Laws are different from state to state and that there are different forms of what’s considered Child Neglect and Abuse by Child Protective Service.
In my county, for example, a mandated reporter is required to make a call to CPS if the children in your custody as a daycare provider are kept in filthy living conditions described in the letter. Nothing might result from the investigation depending on CPS findings but they would work with both parents on finding resources on helping the parents to keep the children in healthier living conditions. Here, in my county if you accept County Daycare Vouchers you also definitely have a legal responsibility to report children living in filthy living conditions as well or your license could be at risk for being revoked if other legal action isn’t pursued
My advice is to is to have a heart to heart with your friend and kindly suggest to her that if her behavior doesn’t change then you should refuse to keep her children. Not only does this mother neglects her children’s health and yours as well by exposing you to her unkempt living conditions , but to me she also has no respect for your friendship or else she wouldn’t have taken advantage of your friendship the way she has been allowed to. No real friend in my opinion, expects their good friend to pick up their lazy parental slack in the name of friendship.
Not only is this friend taking your friendship for granted, but is also putting your business as a daycare provider in jeopardy as well. Yes, you may need the job, but there are always other clients out there who won’t take you for granted. Regardless of what you decide to do, keep in mind that although you can’t control your friend’s neglectful ways as a parent, you do have a legal obligation to protect the kids you care for and do what’s in their best interest. Overlooking child neglect in my book, is just as bad as the parent that commits it. Leaving the child as the only real victim in the long run
I (as the author of this query) am appreciating the feedback! So, so much. I am digesting and thinking about all that has been said.
The one thing I want to point out is that I am not a licensed day care provider or a business. I’m a friend doing a favor for a friend, and earning a few extra dollars each week. I say that in case it makes a difference in the feedback.
Again, my sincere thanks.
@Anonymous, I’m so glad this is helping. It is a tough situation to be in, for sure. ((hugs))
My ex’es wife(his ex-wife now) bit my daughter as a punishment for her biting her little brother. The brother didn’t have a mark on him the next day, but my daughter had a knot, bruise and full set of teeth marks. I wasn’t going to call CPS, after they agreed she would no longer be alone with my daughter and my daughter would no longer spend the night. However, her preschool called CPS and they had his wife take some classes. As a result I had an open case with CPS. They helped me with a bill that I was having a problem. They were very nice and only closed the case after I had it taken care of. When the case was closed, his wife had help for a problem she had, I had help paying a bill that was causing me stress and we were all the better for it. That was almost 7 years ago.
It was a little weird having CPS involved for me, but my experience was wonderful with them. It also worked for me that the case was documented for any future custody issues etc.
What I’m trying to say is, CPS will do their best to help the family. They won’t just go in and take the kids away. My ex’es wife clearly abused my daughter and they didn’t even tell them she couldn’t be alone with my dtr(although I kept that rule in place).
If you decide to go that route, don’t feel like you would be responsible for them having their kids taken away. Most likely wouldn’t happen. The parents would get help for whatever it is that is keeping them from their responsibilities.
As for that car seat. Call the cops right after they leave. They’ll get a ticket and hopefully buckle them up every time after.
The subtext in this story is that the parents are busy. With the mom back at work, priorities have shifted. Daily tasks that got done before are now neglected. Giving the kids a bath each night may not be an option for these busy parents. But, little ones need to be bathed at least every other day, especially children who are in diapers or toilet training. If the kids aren’t being bathed regularly…are they having their teeth brushed daily? If the standards in the home are unhygienic or hazardous to the child’s health, then a call to CPS is essential.
I do think the friend needs to consider having a serious talk with her friend about bathing the children. From what the friend wrote in her query, the parents seem to be shrugging off her concerns. The fact that the 2-year-old has yeast infections in her diaper should be cause for the parents not to bring their child to daycare. Perhaps the friend could lay down the law about what she will tolerate in terms of hygiene — children must be clean with clean clothing at dropoff. I know that I wouldn’t want a child covered in food climbing all over my furniture. If these children were dropped off at day care or preschool in this state, the school would have to address the issue with the parents for safety an hygiene reasons
The friend is helping the parents out by offering care, which should be a win. But, if the friend is so worried about the children’s cleanliness that she is unable to feel close to them, then is her caring for the children in everyone’s best interests? I feel for her — she’s a very good and loyal person who doesn’t want to let down the parents.
I had my own experience when I volunteered in the nursery at church. I found that I became resentful at parents who dropped off a little one with an obviously dirty diaper because they were late for church. The final straw was the time a child vomited on me and my daughter. The child had been dropped off, but was obviously too sick to be at church. I had to carry both my toddler and the sick toddler in to the church to find the child’s parents. I was so mad at how selfish the parents were. Their need to go to church outweighed their sick child’s need to be at home.
Any situation where children are at risk is so tough.
Regarding the car seat issue, you can check with your local police department as to what they recommend. Some states will allow people to report the license plate of a vehicle with unrestrained kids. They may send the vehicle owner a copy of the state requirements regarding child restraints.
You know the situation best. You’ve been to the family’s house. If you truly believe they are living in filth, it is your responsibility to report it. If instead the situation is a series of major annoyances that are making it hard for you to connect to the kids, it’s time to politely bow out. The resentment you will feel toward the parents will eventually trickle over to the kids.
This is a hard situation. At this point I would no longer be concerned about the friendship. Maybe she really does not realize how bad the situation has become being preoccupied with her new career. Were her kids dirty like this prior to her working? I would look up CPS rules as to what is considered abuse and print anything that applies to these children so you have it in your hand when you discuss the situation with your friend. You need to be honest, clear, and upfront with her and explain to her that you are concerned for her children’s health and safety. If things don’t change then I would say you have an obligation to the children to call CPS.
She may be angry after your discussion but it might be all it takes to make her realize how bad the problem is. Good luck to you and I hope for you and the children this can get corrected easily.