Does Spanking Really Work?
I know, I know, this issue is so played out, but I couldn’t help myself. I originally brought this up in our forum, but wanted to move it into a blog post as well.
Here is what I said, with some follow-ups:
Spanking has been on my mind since watching a Dr. Phil episode yesterday. According to the statistics given by Babycenter.com, 50% of parents spank. I don’t believe in spanking personally and I really try not to judge those who spank, but it is admittedly difficult for me to accept, too. I certainly believe in disciplines like time-outs and taking away privileges. In our home, there is no doubt that mom and dad are in charge and must be listened to and respected, but without the threat of spanking.
Dr. Phil said statistics show that spanked children are more violent and commit more crimes as adults. Do you think there is merit in that? I know that statistics are not always accurate or non-biased, so it’s hard to give statistics on spanking any merit, but it is an interesting study.
I may be one of few in my generation who was not spanked as a child. It is completely foreign to me, which makes it even harder for me to understand why parents do it. I have trouble understanding the logic or benefits, other than it being a fast form of discipline.
Some of those that I am close to who were spanked as children do have anger issues and some even have violent tendencies. This obviously isn’t necessarily the case for the entire population of adults who were spanked as children, but it still teaches me something.
Sure, I get extremely frustrated as a mom, especially going through the toddler years with my youngest, but I would never spank him. I also would never hit my husband, family members, or friends, unless my life was in danger.
So, what are your thoughts? If you do spank, please share your experiences with us.
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29 Comments on “Does Spanking Really Work?”
I am like you and absolutely DO NOT like to spank. However there have been a few instances for the safety of my child I did have to do it.
Continually trying to climb on a hot stove after trying time outs, priviledge removals, redirection, etc. as well as both my daughter and youngest son had both several times ran out in busy parking lots. Me screaming frantically didn’t stop them any of these times so thank goodness for people paying attention as I ran after the one that jetted off. So for their safety after exhausting other options I did spank.
I can’t not spank and risk something worse like injury or death happening to them in those circumstances, however those are for me the only time I think it is warranted. However if they had listened and I had not exhausted the other options I would have had no reason, but I just can’t not spank in those situations when nothing else worked and risk them continually doing something that is a danger to them.
Toni- I totally get what you are saying. I’ve never been in a situation like that, but I can imagine myself being terrified for my child’s safety and wanting to get their attention.
@Toni, Toni those are instances that I have spanked. We generally send them to their room for a time out.
I wasn’t spanked as a child either and I simply don’t get it. I have worked with toddlers and preschoolers for more of my life than I haven’t and of course never been legally allowed to hit them. Rightfully so. Some of those kids have bit me, head butted me, and left me bruised and yet I could only talk and use other non physical forms of discipline. I guess I figure if I did it to a child in my care it would be assault so why is it soooo different as a parent?
I don’t walk in other’s shoes, but that is where I come to my own conclusions in mine.
I read a really good book lately called Nurture Shock and it had some stats on spanking. They said that while the researchers did NOT condone spanking, there was a huge cultural factor involved.
In some cultures, spanking is just what is done… and so it has less power to cause psychological damage. But in other cultures where it’s The Worst of The Worst punishment, it causes more psychological damage.
I was spanked as a child and it worked. [shrug] I wasn’t spanked often, but just the threat of it kept me from doing many a wrongdoing. LOL I can say, pretty confidently, that “time outs” alone would not have done the trick with me as a child.
Maybe I was more headstrong than other children? Who knows? I can also say that I’m pretty laid back and it takes a lot to make me angry. I think this is a result of my parent’s teaching of what’s worth getting angry about and what isn’t. Not spanking or not spanking.
I do spank my son. Not often, and as a last resort. And while it works for him, I understand that many parents do not understand it.
I was spanked as a child. Only, I don’t remember it at all–because we weren’t spanked as elementary school kids. It was more of the spanking on the hand when we were toddler/preschoolers.
I think when someone says “spanking” there is this automatic picture of a crazed parent wielding a belt. I can remember ONE time when my brother got a spanking with a belt—he had been lying & for months my parents had done every form of discipline you can imagine (grounding, taking tv, money, making him write scriptures about truthfulness, etc). He knew the next punishment was going to be the belt. I remember that my mom and I were in the hallway sad while my brother got in trouble. I’ve since asked him about that & he says he remembers it as a time when my parents showed love to him—b/c they didn’t want him to remain in that lying behavior AND it was delivered in love AND followed up with love & sincere conversation & hugs, etc. It was certainly not a crazed parent pulling his belt off while holding a kid down.
So, for me. I do understand spankings. And I respect my parents–am not angry, a convict or afraid of my parents–not do I try to hit adults. So. It couldn’t have jacked me up too much, right?
A good post to get people thinking, Amy! 🙂
I was a child that was spanked nearly everyday of my growing up life by my Dad. I won’t even use the phrase spank, it was more like beat.
So, as a parent I did not want to behave like my Dad. However, with a very strong willed boy, I did on a couple of situations after trying other methods of discipline have to spank my son when he was strongly trying his bounderies with me.
Yet, I only spanked him on his behind area, and only three swats. I don’t believe in using whips or belts. I don’t think people can judge how hard they are hitting that way.
I used my flattened hand. I knew if it was stinging my hand, then it was making a similiar effect on his behind. Why do I stop at three swats, no matter the age of the child?
Because I feel if it’s more than three, I have already lost control of the situation.
I have only spanked my son twice, and his Dad has only done it twice.
My religious teaching has taught me that sparing the rod is spoiling the child, but I don’t believe it means in all situations you need to go and get a cutting off a bush or tree to make a rod and beat on your child for every single little thing. I think it means you may have to use this form of discipline on rare occasions to prevent a child from thinking he can get away with really outrageous behavior and rebuking other forms of punishment you have tried to use to discipline their very improper actions/behaviors.
After you spank, I feel you should send you child to their room for a few minutes to think about their actions. Then go in and tell them you didn’t want to have to use this form of discipline to get their attention, but they left you with no other choice. That you disciplined them now, so they could see the error or wrongness of what they were doing, and so with this understanding they can continue to grow up to be a good person knowing that there’ll be consequences or outcomes or actions in as an adult if they do things wrong. Tell them you love them and know it’s better for them to learn when they are little/young then to learn when they are an adult and maybe have to go to jail to learn the lesson the hard way.
I really think it’s in how you present what you needed to do to your children.
There really is a difference between beating and spanking. Spanking done rarely and correctly I believe is not only a proper thing to do, but a necessary thing to do if you have a very strong willed child who’s obviously out of control.
Even when I’ve used spanking as an absolute last resort for bad behavior (and by spanking I mean a slap on the butt using nothing but my hand) it was very ineffective anyway. If other parents’ children respond as they should to a slap on the butt for out-of-line behavior, I will not judge that parent but in my house, taking a favorite toy away until they behave properly, or making them sit in the corner, or turning off their favorite TV program are the things they respond to better.
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I started a reply to this and realized it was getting to long. Instead, I blogged: http://www.thoughtsnstuff.com/?p=833
my post is about my recent experience with spanking. My husband and I have decided not to spank, but this past weekend my BIL spanked my son.
I’ve been spanked as a child, but like a previous commenter can not remember most of them as I was under 5 when they happened. The spankings I do remember I don’t feel any irritation towards my parents for them, really I got what I deserved and I’m glad my parents loved me enough to help curb my behavior.
I spank my kids, it is not our only form of discipline, but we have used it in different circumstances. My kids are happy, well-adjusted, cheerful and obey the first time (generally) when they are asked to do something. They know I love them and I know they love me. I’m sorry that some of you have seen inappropriate forms of spanking, but I don’t think that all spankings should be lumped together. Yelling at your children can be done inappropriately and cause even more psychological harm. I remember and emotionally shrink at the times that I was yelled at in anger (usually not by my parents, my parents rarely lost their tempers). Those were far worse than any of the spankings I received!
P.S. There are other statistics out there that say spanking is good… using statistics if you are only mentioning one side is well, one-sided. I gave links to the studies in the forum discussion.
I wrote a blog post about this a few weeks ago and it was one of my most-read posts ever. I am completely against it, too. I was spanked as a child, which is one of the reasons I am so against it. No child should feel so helpless. We wouldn’t let our five-year-olds, for example, hit a one-year-old, but we as adults would spank a much smaller human being? It just doesn’t make any sense.
Wish I had seen that Dr. Phil. Maybe I’ll catch it on a re-run!
I don’t remember getting spanked as a child. However, I DO remember getting threatened with soap in my mouth if I kept talking back. (Who invented this and I hope my mom wasn’t the only one who threatened with it?)
I believe I got a bar in my mouth once – not that that was really a punishment.
As I got older, my parents became super creative and started taking things away like the phone from my room, the computer keyboard and my stereo instead of grounding me or my brother.
My boyfriend says he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his mom. That stuff won’t fly in my future household with my future offspring.
I don’t spank.
While I was spanked as a child, it was a very rare thing, and only for very serious infractions. Did this scar me… no. Did it teach me anything… no. Looking back, it was basically a pointless act. Those people who become violent from spanking, were probably spanked regularly. Although I don’t condemn anyone for spanking their children (barehanded), for very rare and serious infractions, those who use spanking frequently really need to take a hard look at themselves.
Frequent use of spanking for discipline shows a lack of self control on the parents part. If you can’t control yourself enough to find another method to correct behavior, how can you expect your child to control him or herself.
Focus on the Family has an excellent series of pro-spanking articles if you really want to understand the logic behind it:
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/effective_biblical_discipline/approaches_to_discipline.aspx
Thanks for trying not to judge people who do spank. Once I told a friend that my parents spanked me and she said, “wow, your parents were abusive?!”
Honestly, I don’t care if someone spanks or not. However, what I do have a problem with is the assumption that someone who does spank does so out of anger or a loss of control. There are abusive parents out there but spanking does NOT make for an abusive parent.
I spank my kids. I do not loose control. I do not threaten. I am not angry when I spank. Spanking is completely indifferent in my house. It’s a punishment given for a “crime”..lol. My kids know in advance what actions will result in being spanked. I also use other forms of discipline as well. I am not a mindless parent who simply relies on spanking as my only form of discipline.
Now, please understand, I am not saying that this post is unfair to spankers. My tone is not hostile. I am just pointing out some misconceptions about spanking parents. I think this post was fair and well written.
I would also like to point out that I know children who are agressive and ill disciplined who are not spanked. Parents who loose control by yelling or spewing insults are far worse then those who spank correctly. So at the heart I think the issue is not if we choose to spank or not spank. It’s if a child feels respected, validated, loved and worthy.
I have no problems with those who choose not to spank. I don’t think negatively about them for that choice. Those who do not spank normally make that choice out of love and trying to do the best they can for their kids. However, keep in mind that spanking parents choose to spank out of love also…even if you can’t wrap your mind around it.
I’m glad you brought up yelling because I plan on doing a whole other post dedicated to that. I agree that yelling can be very abusive and emotionally scarring.
I think that’s the whole thing Amy—just being out of control as a parent. When GOOD parents discipline, it almost doesn’t matter WHAT the disicpline is b/c they are doing it out of genuine love and care for their child. But when parents who are selfish and angry discipline you are going to see abuse—from yelling, negative words and physical spankings, etc.
@oh amanda, I totally agree, Amanda.
I have a book on this subject which might be of interest to some of your readers.
There are few Biblical subjects where more misunderstanding exists among Christians and Child Rights advocates today than that of spanking children. This book seeks to increase the level of understanding about this issue. It shows that:
Fact: The Bible does not teach that spanking a child will save him from Hell.
Fact: The Bible does not teach that spanking a child should bring tears.
Fact: In Bible times, the texts concerning spanking children found in Proverbs were not applied to young children under the age of about 10 years!
Fact: Many respected Christian theologians including St. Augustine, Dr. Karl Barth and Rev. Dwight Moody rejected spanking children.
Fact: Many Biblically conservative Jewish Rabbis, who have the Old Testament as their Holy Scripture, reject spanking children today.
Fact: The main Christian advocates for spanking children now are not usually trained Christian theologians teaching in universities, but most often are conservative fundamentalist Christian pastors, Christian politicians, Christian psychologists, lay church members and Christian school leaders.
Fact: Well meaning Christian advocates of spanking children have developed doctrines surrounding what they believe the Bible teaches about spanking children which are not found in the Bible at all.
Fact: Well meaning Children’s Rights activists, who are not trained Bible scholars, have entered this debate attacking the Bible with disastrous results.
Features of this Volume
*
353 Separate Biblical Texts Referenced
*
82 Separate References from Hebrew and Christian Scholars
*
39 Authoritative Biblical Reference Works Utilized
*
Key new information revealed from an early Egyptian text which is also found today in the Biblical book of Proverbs concerning spanking
My strong willed son, the one who has gotten the most spankings out of our 7, says Dr. Phil is stupid for not believing in spanking! lol When we would resort to spanking (not beating), he would feel so relieved! You could physically see him change from a maniac to a calm and relaxed, loved child. It was weird. Very weird. But he needed it to bring him self control. Now he is 18, hasnt’ been spanked in forever, and he is self controlled, loving, non-violent, and wants to be a pastor. 🙂 No violent or criminal behavior present. He always chose spankings if given a choice of his discipline!
Not one of my 7 kids is violent or criminal. I don’t buy the “statistics” becuase they are going on the criminals, not on the rest of society. Most criminals come from poor homes, not just poor in money, but parents who neglect and abuse their children, poor in parenting skills. So, yes, most criminals were “spanked” but not most spanked children become criminals.
I have 7 out of 7 well behaved children who love us and will choose spanking for their children because they believe it was loving to help them learn to behave.
Now, do I spank for everything? NO. Do I beat them? No. Spanking is a loving thing, and I know that is beyond comprehension to a lot of people. But it should be done in loving concern, and love given afterwards.
Yes, you CAN parent without spanking. But I wouldn’t want to. I can’t imagine how it would have worked on my toughest child, he would have been lost. Time outs and groundings made him worse. He couldn’t handle discipline that lasted so long. A spanking was instant discipline, yet caused the pain that made a change, and then it was instantly over and forgiven, just like Jesus’ death on the cross gave us forgiveness that we don’t have to wait for. 🙂 I also had a child who did not respond well to spankings, and we did more grounding and time outs with him.
Sorry I’m not a Mom, but a Dad doing a paper on displine of children for my persuasion class.
I feel that spanking works. My daughter who is 2 gets a spanking maybe once every two weeks. Putting her in timeout, yelling at her, pointing at her,etc doesn’t work. Putting her in time out to her is a game of hide and seek, pointing at her and talking to her doesn’t work because she does it back. Nothing seems to work. Now all we do is say,” do you want a spanking,” and she shapes up.
How do you mom’s displine your children then?
I was spanked as a child; sometimes a bit more than just spanked, but for those reasons I did not pass this along to my child for fear it would “hurt” her self esteem. I have to tell you that if I could go back I would probably spank. I now have a 28 year old child with no direction in her life despite college education and a very loving family the self esteem is just not there. My belief now is that having to repeat yourself time and again to little Johnny to “Please don’t do that again or I’ll put you in time-out” Is just now taken serious and just plain does not give any direction to that child as to what action is more serious than another.
Its unpopular today to defend spanking as a punishment. My children are now grown up and I while I tried to use more constructive methods, there were times when my children did receive a spanking for bad behavior. I regret that it came to that, but I don’t regret that my husband and I resorted to spanking in a couple of tough situations.
For example, my youngest son was our hardest child to raise. From about age 9 to age 13, he was in trouble several times. The last time I remember quite well. He and a friend went to a park near their school after dark and took some rocks and broke some windows in a building in the park that was used to keep maintenance equipment. They made quite a mess and were only caught because a police officer happened to be in the area at the time.
Our punishment? The next morning we took him there with a broom and made him sweep up as much of the broken glass as he could. Than, after that we took him home and spoke to him about the severity of his actions. My husband than made him drop his pants and gave him a hard spanking on the seat of his jockey shorts while I stood there and supported him. There were plenty of tears, but our son needed to learn a lesson after doing something that serious. To this day, I still believe he needed to get that spanking.
There were a couple of other situations too. However, I don’t believe in a blanket rule that children should never be spanked. I’d say parents should do it reluctantly and only for the very worst behavior. Yet, it should remain an option in those situations.
I don’t believe in spanking. I am a first grade teacher and manage to successfully behavior manage 22 kids on a daily basis, obviously without spanking. My students respect me and follow my classroom rules without physical punishment, so why would I treat my children any differently? Maybe it’s because I’m trained in behavior management methods, but I’ve never found it necessary to spank my child.
Thank you for sharing your perspective.