On Letting Go And Living After India.
It has been a week since I returned from India (courtesy of Coca-Cola) and I am still processing the experiences and emotions from the trip. As I reflect on each village we visited that was struggling with needs that even the poorest families in the USA have free access to, such as water, food, and bathrooms, I canโt help but feel that the trip has changed me.
When I first arrived home, I was still caught up in the rush of India. Not necessarily a high rush, but perhaps more of a sensory overload of the poverty, masses of people, trash, and (even in the midst of all of that chaos) hope and inspiration that I witnessed. The communities I visited took something seemingly small in the USA and made it into a full-on movement. Clean water meant that women now had more time to concentrate on their own passions and dreams, such as following through with studies or simply spending more time with their families. When you see and hear that, you cannot possibly come home unchanged. You just canโt.
I wasnโt quite myself when I got home. Of course, I was overjoyed to see my family who I hadnโt seen for a week, but I was obviously distracted. I still had India on my mind โ the memories of the woman at the Career Development Center who lovingly decorated my arm with henna, the village head leader in Soda Village who WAS A WOMAN and gave the village women confidence to speak up and show their faces, the sweet children at Thimmareddy School who were thriving because they finally had proper bathrooms โ and it was quite difficult shutting that out. In fact, I donโt think I can ever entirely shut that out, nor do I want to.
So, my mind has been all over the place since my return and Iโm having a bit of trouble categorizing these thoughts and feelings. I have deeply contemplated my life this year, the highs and lows, and compared it to the lives I witnessed in India. Actually, I cannot stop comparing my life to India. I feel guilty in many ways, for essentially having unlimited resources and not always maximizing their value and worth. For having a voice in the online community, though not always using it wisely or for good. I am having trouble not feeling guilt about everything.
I have given a lot of thought to the people in my life and community. The petty arguments, politics, and toxic relationships, as well as the positive, warm, and loving people, all combined in one space. I thought about a dear friendship that I lost a few months back that I spent days in agony over, but couldnโt be fully repaired. I thought about an instance in the online community where I was publicly humiliated for false accusations and had to remove myself from people who respected and cared for me. I thought about all of these hurtful moments, then thought about India, and the pain seemed to pull away. My purpose (and Iโm still trying to pinpoint what that purpose is) seemed to mean more than holding on to that hurt or enduring an emotional roller coaster. In fact, the world is much bigger than this hurt. Poverty is much bigger than this hurt. Dirty water is much bigger than this hurt. Womenโs rights are much bigger than this hurt.
I also thought about my life and family. Even with the rough (or what I thought was rough until I visited India) childhood, I encountered, as well as the lack of healthy parental guidance in my life, I somehow fell upon the right path, or perhaps my purpose. Along with my husband, I have made many wonderful things out of nothing, including our unique children, businesses, amazing relationships, and a healthy home. I donโt always deserve it, either, but yet, here it is and I am thankful. I donโt want to waste a lick of it, especially now, and I feel as if I need to share my resources as much as possible. I am still figuring out what that means exactly, but I do know that what Iโm currently doing is not enough.
The henna on my arm is starting to fade, my index finger to my knuckle is already erased, and I feel as if I have until it completely disappears from my arm to implement a new mindset and philosophy. A philosophy that concentrates on letting go of petty stress and worry for good. Letting go of toxic relationships and activities (like stress and worry) forever and maximizing the resources and positive energy I have for good. All that excess energy that I have been spending on worrying, arguing, and pettiness hasnโt led to anything but more worrying, arguing, and pettiness, and honestly, Iโm ready to call it quits. I have too much to offer my family, friends, community, and my new friends in India to spend my days running in circles. This life is short, too short, and I donโt want to spend it spinning. So, Iโm letting go.
Thank you, India, for helping me let go.
Follow #5by20 for tweets from the trip.
For 16 years, I have been the creator & full-time blogger of Mom Spark. Iโve also created content for numerous outlets such as Good Housekeeping,ย Better Homes & Gardens, & Huff Post.
8 Comments on “On Letting Go And Living After India.”
I hear you, sister. This is beautiful and right-on. So glad we got to share that completely intense, absorbing, delirious, strange, warm experience. The henna will fade, but all of us who were there are tattooed for life with a mark we’ll always recognize in one another. xoxo
It was the perfect setting for getting to know you. ๐
“The henna will fade, but all of us who were there are tattooed for life with a mark weโll always recognize in one another.” YES, lovely.
… and this is why travel is SO important for us and our children, it really is life changing. I wouldn’t be the person I am if it wasn’t for 3 summers I spent in Moldova and Russia serving orphaned children and those with drug addict or alcoholic parents. It turned my life upside down, or should I say right side up?! It was also shocking to me when I moved to the U.S. from Russia at the age of 11, there are so many things here that people take for granted. I hope my own children will have the opportunity to see the world outside the country they live in. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and good luck processing it all ๐
Yes, exactly, and not just travel to amusement parks and resorts, but the gritty areas, too.
Thanks so much for reading. ๐
Piercings aside, thank you so much for going to India and for sharing your experience here. There is so much need in the world and raising our voices is essential. Thanks for the encouragement! I’m standing with you as I wait on my marching orders from God on how to proceed myself.
Thanks so much, Shon. I completely agree.
Sounds like a beautiful journey and a path that will open you eyes. I wish you best
Thanks so much, Vicky.